Wandering in her thoughts, Shoshy needed something to distract herself. She glanced at her bookshelf and saw a book titled The Forty Rules of Love. “Forty…Rules of…Love?” she murmured. “What more is there to know about love? What more can I do with love? I lost everything, despite sacrificing myself,” Shoshy thought.
No one could imagine a room messier than Shoshy’s bedroom. The bedsheet was crumpled, the pillows were deformed, the windows were closed, the notebook was badly torn, and clothes from the cupboard were scattered everywhere. One could easily tell by looking at Shoshy’s face that she was in deep grief, not wanting to survive anymore.
She took out the book and started to read. The storyline captivated her.
Her eyes caught on one of the forty rules. It said, “If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses… How can you blame others for disrespecting you when you think of yourself as unworthy of respect?”
“How come I never thought like that?! Why did I let others disrespect me?” Shoshy
muttered.
From sacrificing all her dreams to accepting slavery in the name of love, Shoshy had done everything for Faaris. She dreamed of studying Microbiology; the lives of microorganisms have always fascinated her. But Faaris didn’t want her to study Microbiology. Instead, he said, “What will you do with a degree in Microbiology? Become a scientist, huh?” Blinded by love, Shoshy decided to change her major as Faaris suggested. Did it end there? No. Faaris would disrespect her with a fake smile as much as he could in front of his friends.
Shoshy’s social media accounts? Faaris had the passwords, and would constantly snoop through them. The list of how abusive Faaris was could go on.
Shoshy stood up. She felt a surge of positive energy, determined to break every emotional barrier that had stopped her from living peacefully as she wished. She recalled her beautiful memories with Faaris, back when he was overly affectionate. Days passed, and Faaris changed, like a chameleon. But Shoshy became unduly consumed by him, which destroyed her both physically and mentally.
“Not anymore! I won’t let him manipulate me anymore!” she yelled, looking at herself in the
mirror.
The spike in her energy made her rub her dreary eyes. She took her phone, blocked Faaris on every platform she could, changed the passwords of her social media accounts, and started to delete all the images that carried memories of him.
Staring at the floor as if for an endless hour, she made herself emotionally firm. She resolved to tidy up her room. Without a second thought, she began cleaning.
As she swept her room, she brushed away all the toxic behaviors she had endured. “What’s the use of this love if it breaks me down? What is the purpose of this love if it doesn’t liberate me but imprisons me?”
She had once looked at herself the way Faaris did. She had considered herself distasteful and unattractive all the time. But now as she removed the ugly veil of how Faaris had seen her, she began to love every cell of her being. “How could I ignore myself?”
She pulled a blue sharee from her cupboard, a gift from her mother on her last birthday. She took out the cute emerald earrings her friend had given her. She adorned herself, dressing up for herself, not for any Faaris.
She opened the windows of her room. Sunlight poured in, illuminating every dark corner. The radiance cleansed Shoshy’s soul as she breathed in the fresh air of spring.
Her eyes sparkled. Her face shone as it basked in the sun’s rays. Her hair embraced the refreshing, warm breeze.
This marked the beginning of a new journey—the journey of self-love.
Maryam Mahfuz
